How to Ask for What You Really Want: The Power of Dialogue Requests

Have you ever shared something exciting with someone you care about, only to receive a lukewarm “okay” before they change the subject? That moment when you’re left hanging after opening your heart can feel isolating and deflating.

I want to share something that’s been revolutionary in my own relationships—something I call “dialogue requests”—and how they’ve transformed moments of potential disconnection into profound opportunities for deeper connection.

A Story of Transformation

Recently, in my Art of Honesty course, one of the participants, Dr. Tim Thayer (sharing with his permission), shared a beautiful example of this practice:

“I was walking with my mom and telling her about a school that my wife and I decided to send our son to. I shared how excited and warm-hearted we felt about this school. She said something like, ‘Okay,’ and brought the conversation in a different direction. I felt a pang of pain in not having our happiness explicitly resonate with her.

Then I felt empowered remembering dialogue requests. I asked her if there was a part of her that resonated with the emotion we felt of our son going to the school. She very happily engaged and we spent the next five to ten minutes sharing from that place of connection.”

This story touches me deeply every time I read it. It’s so simple, yet so powerful.

The Loneliness of Being Unmet

How many of us know that experience of wanting to be met in a certain way after sharing something meaningful, only to be left unmet as the other person goes in a different direction?

When this happens, we often just go along for the ride while carrying a sense of disappointment, deflation, or even resentment inside. It’s a kind of loneliness that can build up over time and become the entire tenor of our relationships.

As it says in the Torah, “It’s not good for a person to be alone.” I believe this speaks not just to physical isolation, but to this emotional experience of not being truly met and seen.

Discovering Relational Agency

What excites me most about Tim’s story isn’t just the connection he ultimately enjoyed with his mother, but the relational agency he discovered.

Sometimes we’re fortunate to be with people who are naturally attuned and responsive. I cherish those people in my life. But if that’s the only way we have access to meaningful connection—hoping others will tune in to us of their own initiative—then we’re stuck in a kind of disempowered dependency.

What Tim demonstrated is that we’re not helpless. We have the ability to make a “dialogue request”—to ask directly for the kind of connection we’re seeking.

Making a Dialogue Request

A dialogue request isn’t controlling or demanding. It’s simply reaching out from a place of vulnerability and saying something like:

• “Is there any part of that that touches you?”
• “Do you have any resonance with what I shared?”
• “Is my excitement landing with you?”

One of the most powerful experiences I’ve had was sharing something very important with my parents and ending by asking, “Is there anything about that that touches you?” This focuses attention in a very direct way, telling the other person what I’d like from them in response.

When I say these words—”What do I want in this conversation?”—I feel myself become more upright, more embodied, more present. There’s a sense of power that flows through me.

As it says in the Ethics of Our Fathers, “If I am not for myself, then who will be for me?” We are here to be the embodied agents of the will that lives through us. As my colleague Robert Gonzalez asks, “How is life reaching for life through you?”

Making a specific request is a way of being in the flow of that reaching.

Finding Your Words

The beauty of dialogue requests is that you can phrase them in ways that feel natural to you:

In more casual situations:

• “Are you feeling me?”
• “Does that hit home?”
• “Can you vibe with that?”

For more tender or vulnerable moments:

• “Does any part of that touch you?”
• “Is something in that landing in your heart?”
• “What comes up for you as you hear me share that?”

The key is to develop an awareness of what you’re wanting in the moment, and then to ask for it directly.

Embracing the “No”

But what happens if they say no? This is where many of us hesitate to make requests—we fear rejection.

I’ve found that changing how I hear “no” has been transformative. When someone says no, what we often hear is “I don’t matter.” But that’s not actually in those letters of “no.” That’s a filter with its own history.

“No” is actually a relational expression. If we can stay present and curious—perhaps with some inner tenderness for the parts of us that get activated by hearing no—we can listen for the need behind the no.

In NVC (Nonviolent Communication), we say there’s always a “yes” to some other need behind every “no.”

For instance, if you share your excitement about your child’s new holistic school, and your parent expresses concern, you might respond with empathy: “Are you worried and wanting to trust that my child will be resilient in this world?”

Creating Safety Through Welcoming “No”

When we welcome another person’s “no,” we create safety in the relationship.

Think about it from the other perspective: when you say no to someone, what happens to your sense of the relation when your no is met with welcome, as opposed to pushback or withdrawal?

For me, it’s like, “Oh, if I bring my no, and you say yes to my no—you respect it, you welcome it, you meet me with care for the needs I’m trying to protect—that creates a lot of safety for me.”

This is key in the realm of requests. One of the essential qualities of a true request is that we’re willing to hear a “no.” Otherwise, regardless of our nice words or tone, there’s a tightness that triggers others’ defensiveness.

When we can truly include “no” in our relationships, there’s a fullness of embodiment and intimacy that isn’t possible when we can only connect through agreement.

Reclaiming Your Power to Connect

Through my own journey with requests, I’ve found it deeply redemptive to discover and develop this capacity to reach for what I want in relationships.

When we learn and become skillful with making requests—in a way that arouses resonance rather than defensiveness—we reclaim the power of our reaching. We regain our ability to reach out into relation and bring in the experiences that make life worthwhile.

Because if relation is a place where I’m not met, it’s not nourishing, and it makes sense to look elsewhere—up into my mind, out of my body, anywhere but here in this relationship. But as we start to have encouraging experiences of reaching for what we want and getting it, that’s truly transformational.

Tim referred to this as “conversation ceramics”—fashioning the connection as life flows through. I love that image. We are not passive recipients of whatever quality of connection happens to come our way. We are active co-creators with the power, creativity, and emotional range of embodied adult consciousness.

I invite you to experiment with dialogue requests in your own relationships. Notice what you’re wanting in a conversation, and practice reaching for it directly. The results might surprise and delight you.

What’s your experience with making requests in relationships? I’d love to hear your stories in the comments below. And if you’re interested in exploring these practices in community, check out our new membership program where we regularly practice these skills together.