The Art of Communication

This module will build the foundation on which the course rests, and on which we can learn to rest more in our relating. We’ll learn the basics of Polyvagal Theory, an understanding of how the nervous system works that illuminates how common ways of communicating trigger counterproductive reactions. We’ll learn how to navigate toward the ‘green’ zone where people are naturally prosocial. You’ll be introduced to a map for generative dialogue and to the key skill that transforms dialogue from a competition into a collaboration.

The operating system we run has a lot to do with the output we experience. Throughout the course we will be expanding our awareness of the ‘jackal’ consciousness- the many ways right/wrong, either-or, and power-over thinking infiltrate our thinking and communication, constrain possible outcomes, and keep us mired in scarcity, separateness, and powerlessness.

Over the years, I learned that different things work for different people in the area of personal healing and growth, but there is one modality I recommend to everyone without reservation, and that is NVC. (Bo Shao, Chairman Evolve)

We’ll learn and lean into Needs-based Relating. Think of that scene in the matrix where Neo sees the numbers that are actually animating the scene. Consciousness, clarity, and communication of life-needs (very different from the way we usually use word need) leads the way back to our deeper human nature expressed in the flow of giving and receiving from the heart. Thousands of years of collective trauma running the ‘jackal’ operating system may be manifesting right now if you’re having doubts or thinking of little evidence to believe that people really want to live from care and giving.

We’ll see how the focus on strategies entrenches conflict and scarcity and how engaging directly around life-needs (cares at the core) opens the way for creating coherence in relational systems. Coherence potentiates self-organization and mutually satisfying outcomes.

Why do we have feelings? And what do we do with all those ‘negative’ feelings that seem to so complicate life and relationships?

In this module we learn precisely how all feelings are part of our onboard guidance system, how we can access the embodied intelligence that feelings express, how to meet others’ (and our own) feelings with grace and equanimity, and how to welcome feelings as a gateway to relational coherence, fuller connection, and more congruent life choices.

Danny helped me notice patterns of relating and communicating that were causing harm, understand the root of these patterns, and develop practices that helped me be more aware of my feelings, the needs they were indicating, and strategies to meet those needs. (Sydney Bolger)

Biologically, we are wired for connection, driven by a deep need and longing to be understood, to be gotten. Having that experience triggers the release of oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins, nourishing the brain and body with a sense of happiness, trust, wellbeing, and mood regulation. Attuned empathy creates intimacy, as Ether Perel says “into-me-see”. Knowing how to create that is a superpower that can transform many situations into rich doorways into connection, even conflict (after all, we only get into conflict when there is something that matters to us, and doesn’t that sound like a key ingredient for meaningful connection?).

That said, most people don’t really know how to listen in a way that creates this quality of connection that doesn’t depend on agreement. They don’t know the difference between empathy and sympathy, they offer well-intentioned but mis-attuned advice and support in ways that don’t lead to real completion, or try ‘active listening’ techniques that feel way too much like…techniques.

It is that moment of silence when you are in awe because you feel like it’s not so terrible, that there is space for you, that you are understood more than you thought, that you are not alone. (Sarah Mann)

In this module we’ll learn the foundational ‘dance steps’ that turn relating into an art. Many (including me) find this to be the master key that unlocks relationships.

In this module we’ll get stuck into how we can have entrenched and ongoing arguments about whose opinion is right and who’s wrong, bad, and to blame…just kidding. We do that enough as it is, don’t we? And even when the other person gives in “fine, you’re right!”, it’s not ultimately satisfying, is it?
Instead, in this module we’ll learn a way of creating shared reality, the first step in being able to talk through stuff that isn’t working for us without immediately stimulating defensiveness or resentment. We’ll learn how to step out of the suffering of right/wrong thinking (it’s not about being ‘nice’ and how to use our judgments of others and ourselves (inner critic) as doorways to deepr connection. You’ll also learn the more potent alternative to praise, rewards and compliments that fuels intrinsic motivation, meaningfulness, and richer connection. We’ll become more conscious of how much we act and try to get others to act out of shame, guilt, and fear-based motivation, whether children, partners, employees, or ourselves.

Nonviolent Communication presupposes that one of our most important needs is to contribute. Yet that can be far from our lived experience – we can live with a sense that the only way to get our needs met is to cajole, to demand, to incentivize, to threaten; that people are selfish and that anytime we ask for what we want people either give in from a sense of ‘have to’ or ‘should’ or we feel like a burden or hide behind the power of our role. Even if the same thing gets done, the energy and impact are very different when it’s done as an act of giving, rather than giving in.

NVC not only improves the connection among people, but also greatly improves efficiency of communication. (Baiya (Zhu Ning), CEO of Youzan)

The art of requests and agreements leads to true giving, more choice, more agency, more needs being met, and a much greater sense of aliveness and confidence around relationships, whether personal or professional, offering both connection and efficacy. This unit includes practical elements of effective requests and the both/and consciousness that opens the flow of giving.

True, magnetic power comes from presence. Rich relationships and creativity emerge from being connected and coherent inside. Burnout, burden, indifference, people-pleasing, either/or (eg either me or them), triggers, chronic fatigue or chronic stress, to name a few, all diminish our presence and point to a need for deeper self-connection and inner integration. We can be saddled with ‘shoulds’, mired in being hard on ourselves, say yes to things that we don’t feel a yes to and feel like freedom and flow exist only on very rare occasions, or only for others. In this module we shine the light of awareness on our internal operating system and see how the consciousness and tools of NVC can help us access more inner freedom and choice, and more self-compassion and graceful growth in the times when we’ve been less than perfect.

In learning Nonviolent Communication there’s a common misconception that it’s about speaking softly and politely and not having any intense emotions. There’s a book whose title I really like called Don’t be Nice, Be Real. Often times people either withhold their honesty out of fear of ‘rocking the boat’ or express their honesty in ways that reenforce how doing so comes at a cost. This is because few of us have had much modeling of how to “speak truth with care,” to be skillfully real. In effective self-expression, we leverage the power of human resonance and request, using what we’ve learned so far to deepen our authenticity, power, and ability to be real and relational.

“This material is applicable in all spheres of your life where you want to a) express yourself authentically and fully and create an environment where hearts and minds can relax and b) hold both your needs and the other persons with care and love.” (Michael Heinrich, Founder and CEO Garten)

“The primary intention of providing feedback is to contribute to another person’s
capacity to support a shared purpose.” – Miki Kashtan

Effective collaboration requires timely and consistent communication and coordination. Responding to changing environments requires feedback and responsiveness to align with changing circumstances and needs. Growing capacity and sustainable teamwork needs consistent checking in to stay on top of what is working and what needs changing, otherwise resentment builds and efficacy suffers. Feedback, of course, is a common feature in work relationships, but less commonly one that contributes to confidence, psychological safety, and efficient learning. Often it flows in one direction and is primarily shaped by power dynamics, rather than flowing in both directions primarily shaped by purpose. This module is an application of our learning to one of the core relational challenges at work and shows how to manage feedback conversations that lead to change, growth, more effective collaboration, and deepening psychological safety.

“Taking the NVC course with Danny made me all of a sudden observe…how even when we think we are giving helpful feedback or listening well, we are actually not.” (Inja Radman, Co-founder New Culture)

People who learn and experience these ways of relating sooner or later tend to have some eureka moment, realizing experiences of ease, harmony, significant shifts, meaningfulness, the falling away of conflict…And yet, trying to communicate this way while embedded in disempowering structures that emphasize scarcity, separateness, and powerlessness is like rowing upstream while tied to the shore– you’ll only get so far. In this module we’ll explore applications of the principles we’ve been learning to organizational structures and protocols, new models of leadership, decision making, teamwork…exploring trends used effectively by some of the most progressive and successful organizations around…